Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
