you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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