i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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