Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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