it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
