Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
