I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
