Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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