Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just googled if crying burns calories
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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