Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
