final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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