What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
cat food counts as protein by the way
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
