I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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