These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?