let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize