i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
