theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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