as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
