The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
