i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
