you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
