I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
