I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
