I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
