went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
