i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were destined to go to rehab together
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
