You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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