You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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