New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
