I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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