I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
