You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
