Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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