I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
zippers are such a cool invention
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
