How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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