she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
