you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
