My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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