Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
