I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
