i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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