i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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