my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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