Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
