I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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