I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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