Just fell off a train. Bad.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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