I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
organizing the empties. That sober.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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