wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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