The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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