I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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