everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
