life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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