I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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