Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
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if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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