you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
