He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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